There's No Race Like Mutants
by ColdFusion180
Summary: Magneto's latest recruiting mission with the Acolytes does not go nearly as planned.


**There's No Race Like Mutants**

"Okay, the resident's security system has been disabled," Remy reported.

"Excellent," Magneto acknowledged quietly. He and the Acolytes were concealed in the wooded backyard of a single story house. "Have you sighted the target?"

"Yep," Remy peered through a set of mini-binoculars. "Presuming the target is actually a mutant."

"It is," Magneto informed him. "Mastermind found and identified it using the latest modifications I made to my new Mutant Abilities Detection Networked Evolutionary Surveillance System."

"Yeah, like that name's really reassuring," Remy drawled.

"Silence Gambit," Magneto hissed. "After tonight, MADNESS will have proved its worth and will be utilized much more in the future."

"I can hardly wait," Remy quipped.

"Perimeter's secure," Sabertooth returned from scouting the area. "The neighbors are gone and the rear of the house can't be seen from the street."

"Good," Magneto nodded. "I will approach the target from the back windows. The rest of you remain hidden nearby. Be prepared to intervene in case something unexpected occurs."

"Like what?" Pyro asked.

"Like if some of the X-Men show up," Magneto told him. "They managed to disrupt a previous recruiting attempt I made alone in New York."

"Good for them," Piotr whispered under his breath.

"What was that?" Magneto glared at him.

"I said, 'How rude of them'," Piotr covered.

"Do you want me to use my powers to alter your appearance?" Mastermind asked.

"No. Just stay quiet and stay out of sight," Magneto ordered and levitated himself towards the house. The Acolytes silently followed him.

Magneto used his powers to unlock a large pair of rear windows. He dramatically opened them as the Acolytes concealed themselves against the back of the house.

"What the?" A surprised voice emanated from inside. "Hey, who are you?"

"Someone like you," Magneto said. "Someone who understands you Shelly."

"Oh boy, a sheila," Pyro whispered.

"You know my name. But I don't know yours," Shelly sounded confused. "Have we met before?"

"No, but we have something in common," Magneto said. "Both of us were born with special gifts. Gifts that set us apart from normal humans."

"If any human can really be considered normal," Shelly quipped at him.

"Pssst, what are you doing?" Piotr noticed Remy edging closer to the window while Magneto continued his recruiting speech.

"I want to get a closer look of this Shelly _femme_," Remy whispered back.

"Hey, I wanna see too," Pyro squirmed and tried to peek inside.

"Watch it you idiots," Sabertooth hissed at them. "Stay out of sight!"

"Shhh," Remy slowly peered inside the house and saw a casually dressed woman in her early forties. She stood facing the window and seemed surprisingly unalarmed at Magneto's unexpected appearance.

"So you see," Magneto continued addressing Shelly. "I am offering you an opportunity to join with other mutants and work together to build a future where mutants reign supreme."

"Whoa. Sorry buster, but I ain't buying that old line," Shelly told him. "You can take all your silly genetic superiority nonsense and stuff it."

"Oh my," Piotr gasped in admiration.

"I like this _femme_," Remy grinned. "She's got spunk."

"Think of what you are saying," Magneto warned her. "I am offering you a chance to help create our own mutant dominated world."

"Hey, I can create my own worlds just fine," Shelly smiled strangely at him. "Want me to demonstrate?"

"What?" Magneto blinked as Shelly began to giggle and a glowing sphere formed between her hands. "Wait, what are you...?"

FLAAAAAASSSSSSHHHHHH!

"Aaaaaahhhhhh!" The Acolytes yelped as they were engulfed by the glowing light.

"Ooof! Hey, where am I?" Pyro wailed flailing around. "I can't see my hands! I can't see the sky! But boy this ground is lumpy."

"Get off me!" Remy snapped and tossed Pyro aside. "Ow! I think you landed on my spleen!"

"Gambit? Is that you?" Pyro stood and waved his arms around. "I can't see your face! I can't see **my** face! Everything is dark! Oh no! I'm blind! I'M BLIND!"

"You are not blind!" Remy shouted at him. "Your head is just wrapped in my trench coat." Remy yanked his coat off him. "See? You're fine."

"I CAN SEE! IT'S A MIRACLE!" Pyro whooped happily. He danced around and gave Remy a big hug. "I can see you again! I can see fire again! I can see trees, grass, paperclips, dinosaurs..."

"Wait, what?" Remy freed himself from Pyro's grasp and looked around. A giant model dinosaur towered a short distance from them. Half buried next to it stood a two-story paper clip. "Those things weren't here a minute ago. And the sun wasn't out either. Where the heck are we?"

"I don't know, but those tell me we're not in that shelia's backyard anymore," Pyro pointed at the two suns in the sky. "You see Colossus or Mags or Sabes anywhere?"

"No," Remy glanced around again. "Don't see Mastermind either."

"HELLO! ANYBODY THERE? COLOSSUS? MAGS? ANYONE?" Pyro called out.

"Ribbit!" A large transparent blue toad hopped by.

"Well that answers that question," Remy blinked at the sight. "We better find 'em all and look for a way out of here."

"Neat! Come here ya little froggy!" Pyro tried to grab the toad, but it slipped out of his grasp. "Boy, that thing's slick. From the feel of it I think it's made of Jell-O."

"Ribbit!" The toad quickly hopped away.

"Hey come back here!" Pyro shouted and chased after it.

"Pyro stop playing around!" Remy snapped. "We gotta find a way back!"

"Come on!" Pyro ignored him and continued the chase. "Follow that Jell-O slick toad!"

"Oh geeze," Remy groaned and ran after him. He managed to catch up and tackle Pyro to the ground. "Would you stop goofing off?"

"But I want to pet the little froggy," Pyro pouted. "And I gotta admit I could go for a snack."

"You're gonna be eating a knuckle sandwich in a second!" Remy snapped and hauled them both to their feet. "Now quit fooling around!"

"Aw, okay," Pyro gave in.

"Great. Now let's try and find our way out of here," Remy sighed and looked around. They had run into a field full of enormous, penguin-shaped pieces of candy corn. "Now this is really starting to get weird. Who the heck came up with this stuff?"

"I kinda like 'em," Pyro leaned back and admired the towering pieces of candy corn. "Let's burn 'em!"

"No!" Remy shouted. "We gotta find the others!"

"You're no fun anymore. You know that?" Pyro sulked. "So, where do we go now?"

"How about over here?" A voice came from one of the pieces of candy corn.

"Huh?" Remy did a double take. He carefully approached the piece of candy corn. "Did you say something?"

"Of course I did you idiots!" The voice sounded rather angry. "Now get over here!"

"AAAHHHHHH! TALKING CANDY CORN! THE CANDY CORN IS ALIVE!" Pyro screamed hysterically.

"Wait a second. I know that voice," Remy walked behind it and looked up.

"It's about time!" Mastermind snapped from where he hung on top of the giant piece of candy corn. "Get me down!"

"Mastermind?" Pyro blinked at him. "How did you get up there?"

"How should I know? One minute I'm hiding next to a really sharp thorn bush, the next I'm hanging ten feet off the ground." Mastermind told him. "My coat is stuck!"

"Have you seen Mags or Piotr anywhere?" Remy asked.

"I haven't seen or heard anyone until you two showed up," Mastermind sighed in exasperation. "Now will you fools stop talking and get me down from here!"

"If you insist," Remy shrugged and charged the bottom of the piece of candy corn.

"Wait! What are you...?" Mastermind yelped.

"Timber!" Remy shouted.

BOOM!

WHUMP!

THUD!

"Ohhh," Mastermind moaned painfully.

"Okay, you're down," Remy stood next to Mastermind's crumpled form. "At least the candy corn only landed on you three times before rolling off."

"What were you doing up there anyway?" Pyro asked the prone Mastermind. "Being some kind of candy corn scarecrow?"

"He does bear a striking resemblance to one," Remy quipped. "Ironic since it implies a guy named Mastermind has no brain."

"Look who's talking," Mastermind groaned getting to his feet. "You're the ones who were acting like a giant piece of candy corn could talk."

"_La la la la la!_" A line of dancing peppermint trees skipped by. Some of them wore brightly colored hats.

"Can you blame us?" Remy gave him a look.

"O-kay," Mastermind blinked at the sight. "Where the heck are we?"

"I don't know, but it keeps getting more bizarre by the minute," Remy noted. "All this stuff can't be real. Is it possible they are illusions?"

"I do not think so," Mastermind tilted his head to the side. "I would sense something if they were."

"Great," Remy groaned. "So either this loony assemblage actually is real or we've all finally snapped and gone absolutely crazy!"

"Those of us who haven't snapped already," Mastermind glared at him.

"Here you are!" Piotr appeared and walked up to them in his armored form. "I have been looking everywhere for you."

"Glad to see you, _homme_," Remy greeted him. He noticed Piotr was covered in several pink splotches. "What happened to you?"

"I am not sure. After the flash I found myself stuck in the middle of a large pool of bubblegum," Piotr told them. "I could not get out until I used my powers to free myself."

"At least you didn't have some lunatic try and blow you up," Mastermind grumbled. "How did you find out we were here?"

"I followed the smoke," Piotr pointed behind them.

"Smoke? What smoke?" Remy turned and saw half a dozen pieces of candy corn on fire. "PYRO!"

"WHEEEEEEEEE!" Pyro chirped happily while skipping around the burning candy corn. Racks of winged short ribs flew above them. "It's barbecue time! Wohooo!"

"Pyro you nut!" Remy ran over and dragged Pyro away from the flames. "I told you not to set the candy corn on fire!"

"But they burn so well!" Pyro whined. "And I saw all those flying ribs in the sky and though how good they would taste cause I still am kinda hungry and..."

"I have to admit that does sound good," Piotr unconsciously rubbed his stomach.

"Don't you start," Remy glared at him. "Geeze, I feel like I'm stuck in a cheap knock-off of the Wizard of Oz. We've got a scarecrow, a tin man..."

"He he he!" Pyro giggled as he continued to play with the flaming pieces of candy corn.

"And an annoying pup that causes nothing but trouble," Mastermind glared at Pyro.

"Huh?" Pyro turned and refocused his attention. "What did ya say?"

"You gotta admit he has a point," Remy smirked at him. "And the names are pretty similar. 'Pyro'...'Toto'..."

"Well if I'm Toto than that makes you Dorothy," Pyro quipped.

"WHAT?!" Remy yelped.

"The names are pretty similar," Mastermind parroted grinning at Remy's indignation. "'Remy...'Dorothy'. And your red eyes could be described as being the color of rubies..."

"NO THEY COULD NOT!" Remy yelled.

"Oh man you're right!" Pyro howled. "That's priceless!"

"That's payback," Mastermind smiled.

"I do not understand," Piotr frowned in confusion. "Who is the scarecrow?"

"Never mind," Mastermind's smile faded.

"Who do you think?" Pyro giggled indicating Mastermind.

"Ah. Okay," Piotr shrugged.

"Thanks a lot Pyro," Mastermind grumbled.

"We do seem to bear a slight relation with the characters in that story," Piotr admitted in realization. "The only one we are missing is..."

"Here you are!" Sabertooth appeared stomping up to them. "Should have known you fools would be standing around doing nothing and...what the heck are you laughing at?"

"Nothing," Remy snickered as the rest of the Acolytes shook with amusement. "Nothing at all."

"We are just glad to see you," Piotr chuckled.

"Yeah right," Sabertooth looked at them funny. "I don't know what's gotten into you idiots, but you better shape up. Nothing here smells right. Where's the boss?"

"We don't know," Mastermind finally managed to stop laughing. "We've just barely managed to get together ourselves."

"Maybe we should try to find the Emerald City," Pyro giggled. "I bet we'd find him there."

"The what?" Sabertooth frowned. "Did you get hit in the head or something?"

"No more than usual," Remy quipped. "Though considering the circumstances Pyro's suggestion actually makes sense."

"Nothing in this place makes sense," Sabertooth snorted clearing his nose. "The grass smells like butterscotch and the manatees smell like baby powder."

"Manatees?" Piotr blinked.

"Don't ask," Sabertooth grumbled.

"So getting back to the matter at hand," Mastermind interjected. "How do we get out of here?"

"And where do we look for Mags?" Pyro added.

"Have you tried that place?" Sabertooth pointed.

"Huh?" Remy turned and spotted a huge red mansion a short distance away. "Hey, where did that come from? We didn't see it before."

"Probably because you were too busy yapping and standing around doing nothing," Sabertooth snapped. "Let's check it out."

"Might as well," Piotr shrugged.

"Yay!" Pyro cheered as the Acolytes headed for the mansion. "Let's sing a song! _We're_..."

"Gonna gut you if you try any stupid singing!" Sabertooth snapped readying his claws.

"I second that," Mastermind said.

"Aw," Pyro pouted. "You blokes really know how to throw a damper on things."

"Too bad they did not try to earlier," Piotr commented as they passed the burned remains of candy corn.

"Man, just look at this place," Remy whistled as they approached the mansion. Its bright red exterior shone with radiance. "What do suppose this place is made of? Spinel? Tourmaline? Sunstone?"

"No," Sabertooth ran a claw over the surface and held it up to him. "Shaving cream."

"Shaving cream?" Piotr blinked. "This whole mansion is made of red shaving cream?"

"Looks like it," Sabertooth confirmed.

"Wow, I'd love to see the insurance policy for this place," Remy quipped.

"So how do we get in?" Mastermind asked. "There doesn't seem to be a door."

FOOOOM!

"AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!" Magneto burst through the wall several feet above their heads. He fell to the ground with his uniform in tatters and looking very disheveled.

"That was great!" Shelly appeared in the hole Magneto had made. She easily jumped to the ground while laughing giddily. "Let's see what other fun stuff we can do!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Magneto screamed and desperately tried to crawl away.

"Hey Mags!" Pyro waved at him. "What'cha doing?"

"PYRO! I AM SO GLAD TO SEE YOU!" Magneto cried and frantically hid behind him. "QUICK! SAVE ME!"

"Whoa, where did you guys come from?" Shelly turned and faced the Acolytes. "I don't remember imagining any of you as part of this universe."

"Imagine?" Piotr repeated in shock. "You imagined all this?"

"Yep," Shelly beamed proudly. "That's my power! I can create my own personal universe using just my imagination! One with its own rules and contents and everything! You guys must have gotten caught up in this universe when I brought him into it." She indicated Magneto.

"Well that explains how we got here," Remy said.

"But how do we get back?" Piotr asked. "Does the other universe still exist?"

"Oh yeah, it's still there," Shelly waved. "This is just a pocket universe. It vibrates on a different matter frequency or something."

"Thank goodness," Piotr sighed. "So how do we get back?"

"Wait a second," Shelly ignored the question and studied the Acolytes for a moment. "You guys must have been pretty close to me when I created this place to end up here. Are you associated with this guy?" She indicated Magneto again.

"Well technically..." Remy shrugged.

"That's great!" Shelly grinned maniacally at them. "We can continue to have the same kind of fun that I've been having with him!"

"NOOOOOOOOO!" Magneto screamed and desperately clung to Remy. "Don't listen to that lunatic! She's evil! EVIL I TELL YOU!"

"Watch it!" Remy flailed while trying to keep his balance. His hand plunged into the wall of the mansion and accidentally charged it. "Oops!"

"Uh oh," Piotr gulped as the entire mansion began to glow. "This is not good."

"Hey, what's going on?" Shelly asked. "Is the place going to fall down?"

"No, it's going to blow up," Remy braced himself. "Stupid shaving foam!"

KA-BOOOOOOM!

"Aaahhhhhh!" Pyro yelped throwing his hands in front of his face. "Oh no! Everything is not-quite-dark! Are we dead?"

"No, we're back," Sabertooth growled. The Acolytes lay sprawled in the backyard next to Shelly's house.

"Thank goodness!" Magneto gasped picking himself up. He looked very shaken. "I couldn't take another minute of that place!"

"I do not know. I kind of liked it," Piotr smiled at the memory of Magneto cowering in fear. "Some parts of it anyway."

"That was great!" Shelly stuck her head out the window and smiled at the Acolytes. "I've never had that happen to one of my universes before. I like you guys! We should hang out together more often!"

"NO!" Magneto yelled. "WE'RE NEVER GOING TO HANG OUT! I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN! WE'RE LEAVING! NOW!"

"Really?" Mastermind blinked. "What about recruiting her?"

"FORGET RECRUITING! JUST GET OUTTA HERE!" Magneto screaming flying off.

"If you say so," Remy shrugged following him.

"Hey, come back!" Shelly called after the speedily departing Acolytes. "I want to share more of my personal universes with you! Like the one filled with automatic whacking mallets and sock puppets!"

"Hurry!" Magneto gasped as he crashed through the woods towards the hidden traveling spheres. "Before she comes after us! I never want to run into that crazy maniac again!"

"Too bad. That shelia seemed really fun," Pyro sighed in disappointment.

"At least we know MADNESS works," Mastermind said. "Now if only we could install some kind of insanity filter to it."

"That lady does have an interesting ability," Piotr commented. "Being able to create universes using the power of imagination. Consider the possibilities."

"Yeah right," Sabertooth snorted disdainfully. "That's one of the lamest powers I have ever heard of."

"The last thing we need is more people with that kind of ability around," Remy added. "The ones we have are bad enough!"

* * *

**Disclaimer: I do not own X-Men: Evolution or the Wizard of Oz.**


End file.
